Q: What is the definition of "confidence"?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is! Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted, you don't get any points for doing something she expects....
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
You make the bed....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets....-1
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....-1
You go out to buy her some flowers and aromatic candles....+5
But return with the latest gadget....-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's nothing....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father....-10
A Night Out
You take her to a movie....+2
You take her to a movie she likes....+4
You take her to a movie you hate....+6
You take her to a movie you like....-2
It's called Death Cop 3....-3
Which features a shooting scene every 3 seconds....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
You say "I don't care because you have one too"....-800
You lost the directions on a trip....-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost....-10
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town....-15
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town and meet the locals up close
You know them....-60
The Big Question
She asks, " Do I look fat?"....-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a
You hesitate in responding....-10
You reply, "Where?"....-35
Benefits of being a Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We can be groupies. - Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free moving (you get the point).
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
Dogs & Men
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither do any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
Dogs & Women
REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not laugh about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you talk or visit with another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.