So far today, I done all right
I haven't gossiped, lost my temper,
been greedy or grumpy, been nasty,
selfish or overindulgent
I'm very thankful for that
But, in a few minutes, God
I'm going to get out of bed
And from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help
In The Bible
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"
Do unto others.
One day, whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man "Can you do anything with these?"
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks."
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!?!"
The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."