Lawyer Jokes


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for very thing."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "Hmm... How do you start a flood?" he asked.


There's a guy driving along who picks up a priest hitchhiking along the side of the road. The guy sees a lawyer crossing the road in front of him and starts heading for him. At the last minute he realises there is a priest in the car with him so he swerves to miss the lawyer. As he passes the lawyer he hears a thump and in his mirror he sees the lawyer rolling in the gutter. He turns to the priest and says, "I'm sorry about that father, I really didn't mean to do that." And the priest says, "That's all right my son, I got him with the door."


A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."


Three lawyers met at an upscale night-spot for drinks one Friday night, got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home. On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.

Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad shape that he even blew chunks.

Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost control of his new BMW and totalled it by driving it into a utility pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.

Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars. Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after dumping sugar in the gas tank.

Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said, "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"



It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting theirs lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat.

Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to poop on. (Those nasty birds!) The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys.

Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.

Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.

So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are

impressed! Where do you learn to poop on people like that?"

The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of

experience. In my former life I was a lawyer."